Barney Lessons

I was wrong. For the longest time, I thought Barney was just a creepy dinosaur that parents let their kids play with all day. I had no idea what I was missing out on.

I admit, I did like Barney as a little kid, but as I got older, the talking dinosaurs really freaked me out, and I had to quit watching due to not being able to handle the very unrealistic show. I know, all kid shows are unrealistic. For some reason, though, this was the only one that really struck me as unrealistic.

Part of my job is watching Barney all day. That’s actually a big part of my job. It’s on all day whether the little girl I look after is watching it or not. I guess she likes the background noise of dinosaurs and kids. Who knows?

I paid a little more attention to the Barney episode that was on today (all day…eight hours of the same episode over and over and over again). I really appreciated what I saw. Baby Bop wanted to include this really shy girl in the games they were playing, and that girl didn’t want to go for the longest time. Baby Bop and Barney didn’t give up. They kept talking to the girl, and eventually, she started talking to them. The mother was there, and she said that the girl had some special needs. I was amazed that they put a girl with special needs in. I had never known any shows to do that before.

The Barney episode today showed that even if someone has special needs, they’re a regular person just like you and me. I’m glad that they show that on a kid show, and let the kids understand that just because someone is different, it doesn’t mean they’re not a normal person. Barney will probably never be my favorite show again, but I think it’s safe to say that I will spend several more days watching it with the girl I care for.

Majoring in Confusion

Sometimes, not knowing what you’re supposed to do in your life is the worst feeling in the world. Other times, it’s not so terrible. For me, it’s somewhere in between.

When I started college, I thought I wanted to major in English and just be a full-time writer. Then, I wanted to be an elementary school teacher. Now, I have no idea. I haven’t told anyone that I’m starting to doubt, but man, the doubt is thick.

I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. Ever since I started my job, I’ve been questioning it. Do I want to be an elementary school teacher still? Do I want to be a special needs teacher? Do I want to quit college and be a caregiver for the rest of my life while writing? Do I just want to be a full-time writer without a degree? I have no idea.

Sometimes I think it’s just my struggling in Algebra that causes this doubt, but I really don’t know for sure. I decided to give the tutor that my parents set up for me a chance just in case I’m able to get a grip on the whole math thing, and maybe I’ll see college isn’t so bad after all. I’ll give it a fair chance. But if this guy can’t make me understand anything in a month, I’m out. Too soon? Well, that’s when my book rental ends and I can’t find a place to extend the rental.

There are times when I feel like God doesn’t want me on the college path, but I wonder if that’s just Satan deceiving me. I don’t know for sure, and I may not for a while. That’s why I feel like a month is okay. If I still feel like college isn’t the path for me in a month, I’ll figure something out. My parents may not like it, but I have to follow God’s path for me.

I don’t know what the future holds, entirely, but I do know that it can be a confusing world. If God’s plan for me doesn’t include finishing college, it may be a hard road, but I’m ready for it. If I’m supposed to be a full-time writer with no degree, let me be that full-time writer. I’ve always said I’m a small town girl that has a crazy big dream of becoming a best-selling author, so whether or not my writing career has another career with it, bring on the future. I’m ready and waiting to see what happens.

Confusing Teenage Years

This isn’t exactly the easiest thing to write. I’ve been through quite a bit the last several years of my life. Actually, I’ve been through a lot for more than just the last several years. I’ve been on a roller coaster ride for pretty much my entire life. But you know what? I’ve learned to be okay with that. I know I can’t go and change the past, and while I do regret the way I’ve handled things growing up, I’ve learned that some things you just can’t change so growing up and being okay with that is the best thing you can do.

The main focus for today, though, is my teenage years. I’ve been through a lot as a teenager. As soon as I hit middle school (7th & 8th grade here), I was made fun of. A lot. I was way overweight, incredibly awkward and shy, and not exactly the most attractive girl around. Yeah, boys definitely made fun of me. Not the one I had a major crush on (thankfully…), but a lot of the jerk boys did. The biggest culprits of being made fun of was the two girls in band that were ahead of me. I remember they would steal the battery in my tuner while I was in a private lesson,  and just whisper like I couldn’t hear what they were saying. I totally heard every word, though.

High school hit, and the being made fun of seemed to subside, so I was pretty happy with the way things were going. I started to have crushes on more boys, the occasional relationship, and get my heart broken every time. I couldn’t understand what was wrong with me for a while. Why would a guy not want to be with me forever? For the longest time, every guy I was with I was convinced I would be with forever.

I’ve learned to not think like that.

The truth is, the guys in my past just weren’t meant to be. I’ve even been engaged before, and he wasn’t meant to be. I’m will always be thankful that I found that out before the wedding, and not after. It’s a whole lot easier to break off an engagement than it is to break off a marriage.

It’s true, I do have a guy that I have feelings for now, as I’ve made that no secret on Facebook, and he knows too, but we both know it’s not going to happen for a while. I’ve pretty much sworn off dating for a while, and well, he has his own reasons for not wanting to date yet (if ever…we’ll get to that possibility when we’re ready). I’ve had dreams about this guy — something that has never happened to me before — and it’s terrifying. Two nights in a row I’ve had dreams that this guy has been seeing someone behind my back. Is he committed to me in reality? No. Does the dream still bother me? Heck yes. Why? Because someone being in your heart can sometimes suck.

I’ve always said I can’t wait to not be a teenager.

I’ve realized that turning 20 won’t change everything. I’m currently just short of three months away from being 20, and there’s no end in sight for the confusion. You know what, though? I’m still glad I’ll be turning 20 soon. I’m always thankful to be turning another year older because it means another year of learning from experience. I’m always thankful for that.

Being forced to mature at a young age thanks to certain things has made me realize a lot of different things. Life isn’t fair, and there’s a lot of things in the world that can make you not want to be here. Basically, life can suck sometimes. You just have to learn how to get through it, and make the best of it. Buckle up, everyone. This roller coaster ride we call life is about to get even crazier.

Lazy Days

On a normal Sunday, I would have spent my morning in church. Not this Sunday. Traveling just takes a lot out of you and makes you want to sit the next day and not do anything, right? Right. Just getting home yesterday, the last thing I wanted to do today was sit in the car for any length of time. I’m done with the car for at least 24 hours.

Not going anywhere, I have plenty of time to just do whatever at home. What do I choose to spend my time doing? Well, as a writer that has barely any time to any writing whatsoever, what do you think? That’s right, I write. It feels amazing to be able to do so freely. With school being bothersome and not giving me any time to myself, I definitely need the time. Dad’s outside doing whatever. Mom’s probably playing games on her phone or sleeping. I’m in my room working on getting the next great murder mystery out there. With any luck, I’ll be able to do at least an hour a day for a while. Maybe I’ll actually be able to do that if I spend my time writing instead of sleeping after work this week!

Being lazy definitely has it’s advantages, but I can’t imagine just laying down and doing nothing. I have to be doing something. Maybe it’s just looking at my phone looking like I’m not being productive, but it’s something. Believe me, looking at my phone is probably the most productive thing I’ll do on a non-work day. It may not look it, but I’m probably plotting.

What do you do on a lazy day? Feel free to let me know in the comments!

I Have Returned

I got back from Arizona today. It was a nice trip, but it’s always good to be home. I haven’t put pictures anywhere yet, but I will post them up as soon as I can.

There are a lot of things that I saw for the first time. I saw the Grand Canyon, an exotic animal place, and more (though I must admit to not remembering everything). It was my first time ever in Arizona, and I loved it.

Not all of the trip was happy, though. You know those trips where everything goes wrong? Yeah, that was this trip. Absolutely everything that could go wrong, did go wrong. First off, I realized that I forgot my pajamas — two hours away from home. What did we do? We went to the store and bought a t-shirt and shorts for the week.

The pajamas thing was a minor incident for the whole week. When we got to the Painted Desert, I burned until my neck was as red as my shirt. What fun that was! I’ve spent the whole week with a red neck and now peeling is in the process. Big time. The aloe has done nothing for it. It got re-burned every time I was in the sun, I’m sure. Needless to say, I decided against blow drying my hair this week. Too hot and too hard on my neck.

I still live with my parents, so I know a thing or two about how it feels to not be able to escape. I got nagged by my mother every single morning, and it wasn’t pretty. If it wasn’t one thing, it was another. Not fun. I wanted to escape, but I couldn’t because I shared a room with them. Most of the time I can just escape to my room, but not this week. Nope. Not at all.

I know, it sounds like I didn’t have much fun, but really, I did. I enjoyed seeing the sights, and I had a lot of fun telling people that I texted during the week about it. Like I said before, it was a nice trip, but nothing beats home sweet home.


Tomorrow, I leave for vacation. Where am I going, you ask? I will be going to the Grand Canyon. I’m looking forward to it, for sure. I will be seeing things that I haven’t ever seen before. I’ve never been, so I’m not quite sure what to expect.

I love my job, but I have to say that I’m actually glad to be off for a week. Let’s be honest, you know you need the time off when you’re quoting The Cat in the Hat Comes Back off the top of your head… Your voice tends to be shot after reading it for three straight hours. (:

I’ve taken several vacations before — one of them even out of the country. All of them have something really special about them. I have to say, though, I’m looking forward to this one more than the others. Well, there may be an exception for Estonia. That one was pretty exciting.

I’m not sure what all will be in Arizona, but I know I’m looking forward to that. Everyone on Facebook and Twitter with me will see, but I will be sure to post in more detail on here too.

What are some of your favorite vacations? Let me know. This is still a new blog, but it’s taken off tremendously. Thank you, everyone, for taking time out to read it. I look forward to hearing from all of you.

Heartwarming Moments

Today at work, I was realizing how close I had really gotten to the girl that I take care of. I know I haven’t said her name. I don’t know how her parents feel about my talking about her, so I want to keep her name out of it just to be on the safe side.

She has physical therapy in the mornings and musical therapy in the afternoons. During both of those, she would look over at me to make sure I was watching, which, of course, I was. I enjoy watching her progress with therapy.

Her dad was telling me that she can tell if she’s going to like someone almost right away. That brought me back to the first time I met her. She wouldn’t stop waving at me during the job interview! It was really sweet, and her parents could tell that she was going to like me. This girl usually makes the day pretty rough for the aids that she doesn’t like, but the days have been pretty easy on me, so I guess I lucked out with this girl liking me.

We really bonded today, I feel like. She would look at me and start laughing for no apparent reason. I love it when she does that. I found out today that if certain medical issues hadn’t happened at a certain time, she wouldn’t be here today, so I thank the Lord above that she is, and that I have the chance to make an impact on this girl’s life. More importantly, though, I thank God for her making an impact on my life.

Locks of Love

I got my hair cut today. I shouldn’t say cut — more like chopped off. Nearly a foot of hair is gone. I had no idea my hair was so long. I got it mostly because I was getting really hot. I couldn’t even go without sweating while the fan was on. The other reason is, though, that my mouth went faster than my brain today. Story of my life, I suppose.

At first, the hair stylist said I couldn’t donate it to Locks of Love because it was colored. Then I found out I might be able to, as long as I didn’t put bleach in my hair. As long as the color I used didn’t have bleach in it, I’ll be able to donate it.

I may miss my long hair from time to time (I run my fingers through my hair and the end comes sooner than it should!), but if I can donate it, I’ll be happy to be making a difference. I’m already making a difference in the life of a special needs child that I know, so why not make a difference in the life of someone I don’t know? There’s someone out there that will appreciate that hair. I know there is.

Even if I ever end up regretting this haircut, I know my hair will grow back. And when it does, I never have to get it cut this short again if I don’t want to. But who knows? Maybe I’ll end up liking it and decide to keep it. Everyone has their own personal style, and at age 19, I’m just still trying to find mine.

Heartbreak at Work

I realize I haven’t said much about what I really do at work. I know I talk about it a lot, but I’ve barely said anything about what I really do. I’m an aid for a special needs child. This girl has become very special to me in a very short amount of time. I have only known her for about two weeks, but she has already stolen my heart, and I look forward to going to work.

Today,  a couple women came over to the house to talk to this girl’s parents about aids. I couldn’t hear everything, but from what I gathered, she can’t have the same aid when she turns 18. I don’t know if I heard correctly, but I sure hope I didn’t. She’s 16. That gives me only two short years to be with her if I heard correctly.

It was heartbreaking to hear. I have thought about that being a possibility, but I never thought it would be a reality. All I can do now is just hope and pray that I didn’t hear correctly. Even if I did, though, I will just have to be thankful to the Lord above for giving me this job now. Seeing her light up is worth more to me than a paycheck ever will be. Money will go away. That special smile that I see every time I go to work never will.

I know I just started this job, but it’s really a special one. My first job is part of what I want to do with the rest of my life. I will always be thankful to know this girl, no matter how long or short of a time I am an aid for her.

My Life in a Blog

Okay, I want to try this again. My introduction post last night was less than stellar, so I’m going to hope I do a better job this time.

My name is Courtney Killian. That’s pretty much the only thing you got from me last time. I run another blog: My hope is that it helps fellow writers.

From the outside, it looks like my life is pretty simple. My weeks pretty much just consists of work, school, writing, and The Newbie Writers Podcast. Sometimes, though, life gets in the way and things aren’t that simple. For example, the podcast wasn’t on last week, and I’m just waiting for Friday to get here so I can listen live again. I have to! It was ripped out from under me and there was that big, empty hole that I couldn’t fill with anything. There was nothing to do on my Friday night after I got home. I know, it was Independence Day. That’s fun and all, but  it would have been nice to do something after I got home from celebrating.

That’s pretty much how I am. When something goes missing from the week, I freak. Tomorrow, I may have to miss work because I woke up sick today. I don’t want to do that. My week will be all thrown off again because I’m supposed to be at work, yet I’m not. Hopefully, that’s not the case.

Next week, I will hopefully have my work void filled. I’m not looking forward to see how that pans out. My family and I are going to the Grand Canyon for vacation. I love vacations, but that was before I got a job.  Now, I feel like if I’m not at work, I’m missing something. If one little thing is thrown out of place for my week, I’m missing something. I know, most people would look forward to getting some time off of work to go out of town, but I’m just different, I guess. Maybe it’s the fact that I just started this job and I feel bad about how easy it is to get time off.

Okay, enough about what my week consists of. I’m currently a college student with hopes of getting a degree in elementary education. I’m a writer with dreams of becoming an author. I’m a regular teenager with the two loves of my life being my two nieces. Basically, to sum this up, I’m just a small town girl with a crazy big dream of becoming a best selling author.