So I’ve Been Thinking…

Duck and cover, everyone! My brain is on the run again!

Now on to the serious part…

For the past week, I’ve been giving a lot of thought to the future. If you’ve been reading my posts for a long time, you know I am a caregiver to a special needs child.

While I love the job I have, I want to do something more with my life. Something big. Something that can show the world who I am, but also to help improve it.

I had the opportunity to go to San Antonio to meet my editor, mentor, and very dear friend, Lisa James, last Saturday. She mentioned something to me about public speaking, and at first I thought that would never happen, because I would be terrified to speak in front of a big crowd. Then I gave it some more thought… Why shouldn’t I? I can make a difference in the world.

A lot of you may not know this, but Days of the Kill is so much more than just an entertaining murder mystery. It was actually a release for me. I had major anger issues. I was on the verge of actually breaking the law and spending the rest of my life in prison. I was that bad. Then I got the idea for this book… I took the idea and ran with it. I was so much happier after writing it. It’s amazing what writing can do.

Some of you may have seen my post a couple months back about getting out of a toxic relationship. I only wrote about one on here, but in reality, I’ve been in a string of them.

My goal is to be able to make enough royalties off of my book sales to be able to travel and speak out against toxic relationships. I want to be this motivational speaker that helps to make a difference in the world and speaks out against what has been such a taboo subject for far too long. I want to show people that you can bounce back, no matter how difficult it is.

I will always be a work in progress. I understand that. I will never be perfect, and that’s okay. It’s okay that nobody will ever be perfect.

This dream of motivational speaking is why I advertise my book. My experience is why I want to be able to travel and speak out against such a horrible thing.

My goal is to be able to start traveling and speaking in a year or two, and I would love to be able to get there. If you enjoy murder mysteries, and if you think this is something worth supporting, why not buy my book?: https://www.amazon.com/Days-Kill-S-Courtney-Killian/dp/0692673148/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1469434865&sr=8-1&keywords=Days+of+the+Kill

Thank you for listening to me ramble on about my hopes and dreams for the future.

Knowing When To Let Go

If you’ve been following me for a while, you may remember that I used to talk about starting up a podcast, and the frustrations I was having with that. Well, you might have figured that I dropped that idea since I haven’t talked about it in a while.

I’ve still been thinking about it some, but not as much as I was. I asked a guy that I’ve gotten to know on Twitter, but he never really committed one way or the other, so I decided he was my last resort and so I decided to drop the idea once and for all. For now, at least.

Then, for a while, I had a vlog. It was very successful, mind you. It was also one more thing to do when it really came down to it. I started out really excited about doing it, but then it became more of a nuisance than anything. So, since I was getting more negative feedback on it than anything, and I wasn’t really enjoying them, I decided to take that down, as well.

Sometimes, we all have to take a step back and wonder if what we’re doing is really worth it. I myself have wondered on multiple occasions if what I’m doing is worth it.

I’ve come to the conclusion that some things are more than worth it while other things aren’t worth it at all. It’s just a matter of what’s really important to you.

Follow your dreams. That’s the most important thing you can ever do.

images (23)

Great-Grandfather’s Birthday

He was 93, yet he was gone long before that. Today is his birthday. He would have been 96.

I can’t believe that nearly three years has passed since my great-grandfather’s death. Alzheimer’s is a terrible, terrible disease. It slowly made his memory go. Eventually, he forgot who his own family was. Eventually, his body forgot how to work.

Anyone who has a friend or family member with Alzheimer’s knows how devastating it can be. We don’t want to acknowledge it, but we can’t deny it’s there. We want to pretend it’s not, but yet, it is.

We know by the blank look in their eye that it’s there. We know by continued repeat questions that it’s there. We know just by talking to them that it’s there. It’s devastating to us to watch them go through it.

If there’s one thing my great-grandfather remembered, it was his truck. It went to my dad after his death. That truck was his everything. He would get lost on his walks, so my grandparents put a gate just past next door. It was already a secluded area, but they still needed that gate. Who knows where he would have gone otherwise.

Like I said, he loved his truck. His keys were taken away from him long before his death, but it was still his. He would get lost between his house and next door, so my grandparents had to go get him. His eyes would light up when he saw that truck.

Just from watching my great-grandfather, I think there’s one thing that Alzheimer’s patients remember. Maybe not all of them, but a lot of them. They forget a lot, but there is one thing that they hold dear.

Maybe holding on to that one thing is a step closer to curing Alzheimer’s. Maybe, just maybe, if we work together, this terrible disease can be cured.

images (7)

Majoring in Confusion

Sometimes, not knowing what you’re supposed to do in your life is the worst feeling in the world. Other times, it’s not so terrible. For me, it’s somewhere in between.

When I started college, I thought I wanted to major in English and just be a full-time writer. Then, I wanted to be an elementary school teacher. Now, I have no idea. I haven’t told anyone that I’m starting to doubt, but man, the doubt is thick.

I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. Ever since I started my job, I’ve been questioning it. Do I want to be an elementary school teacher still? Do I want to be a special needs teacher? Do I want to quit college and be a caregiver for the rest of my life while writing? Do I just want to be a full-time writer without a degree? I have no idea.

Sometimes I think it’s just my struggling in Algebra that causes this doubt, but I really don’t know for sure. I decided to give the tutor that my parents set up for me a chance just in case I’m able to get a grip on the whole math thing, and maybe I’ll see college isn’t so bad after all. I’ll give it a fair chance. But if this guy can’t make me understand anything in a month, I’m out. Too soon? Well, that’s when my book rental ends and I can’t find a place to extend the rental.

There are times when I feel like God doesn’t want me on the college path, but I wonder if that’s just Satan deceiving me. I don’t know for sure, and I may not for a while. That’s why I feel like a month is okay. If I still feel like college isn’t the path for me in a month, I’ll figure something out. My parents may not like it, but I have to follow God’s path for me.

I don’t know what the future holds, entirely, but I do know that it can be a confusing world. If God’s plan for me doesn’t include finishing college, it may be a hard road, but I’m ready for it. If I’m supposed to be a full-time writer with no degree, let me be that full-time writer. I’ve always said I’m a small town girl that has a crazy big dream of becoming a best-selling author, so whether or not my writing career has another career with it, bring on the future. I’m ready and waiting to see what happens.

Confusing Teenage Years

This isn’t exactly the easiest thing to write. I’ve been through quite a bit the last several years of my life. Actually, I’ve been through a lot for more than just the last several years. I’ve been on a roller coaster ride for pretty much my entire life. But you know what? I’ve learned to be okay with that. I know I can’t go and change the past, and while I do regret the way I’ve handled things growing up, I’ve learned that some things you just can’t change so growing up and being okay with that is the best thing you can do.

The main focus for today, though, is my teenage years. I’ve been through a lot as a teenager. As soon as I hit middle school (7th & 8th grade here), I was made fun of. A lot. I was way overweight, incredibly awkward and shy, and not exactly the most attractive girl around. Yeah, boys definitely made fun of me. Not the one I had a major crush on (thankfully…), but a lot of the jerk boys did. The biggest culprits of being made fun of was the two girls in band that were ahead of me. I remember they would steal the battery in my tuner while I was in a private lesson, ¬†and just whisper like I couldn’t hear what they were saying. I totally heard every word, though.

High school hit, and the being made fun of seemed to subside, so I was pretty happy with the way things were going. I started to have crushes on more boys, the occasional relationship, and get my heart broken every time. I couldn’t understand what was wrong with me for a while. Why would a guy not want to be with me forever? For the longest time, every guy I was with I was convinced I would be with forever.

I’ve learned to not think like that.

The truth is, the guys in my past just weren’t meant to be. I’ve even been engaged before, and he wasn’t meant to be. I’m will always be thankful that I found that out before the wedding, and not after. It’s a whole lot easier to break off an engagement than it is to break off a marriage.

It’s true, I do have a guy that I have feelings for now, as I’ve made that no secret on Facebook, and he knows too, but we both know it’s not going to happen for a while. I’ve pretty much sworn off dating for a while, and well, he has his own reasons for not wanting to date yet (if ever…we’ll get to that possibility when we’re ready). I’ve had dreams about this guy — something that has never happened to me before — and it’s terrifying. Two nights in a row I’ve had dreams that this guy has been seeing someone behind my back. Is he committed to me in reality? No. Does the dream still bother me? Heck yes. Why? Because someone being in your heart can sometimes suck.

I’ve always said I can’t wait to not be a teenager.

I’ve realized that turning 20 won’t change everything. I’m currently just short of three months away from being 20, and there’s no end in sight for the confusion. You know what, though? I’m still glad I’ll be turning 20 soon. I’m always thankful to be turning another year older because it means another year of learning from experience. I’m always thankful for that.

Being forced to mature at a young age thanks to certain things has made me realize a lot of different things. Life isn’t fair, and there’s a lot of things in the world that can make you not want to be here. Basically, life can suck sometimes. You just have to learn how to get through it, and make the best of it. Buckle up, everyone. This roller coaster ride we call life is about to get even crazier.

Locks of Love

I got my hair cut today. I shouldn’t say cut — more like chopped off. Nearly a foot of hair is gone. I had no idea my hair was so long. I got it mostly because I was getting really hot. I couldn’t even go without sweating while the fan was on. The other reason is, though, that my mouth went faster than my brain today. Story of my life, I suppose.

At first, the hair stylist said I couldn’t donate it to Locks of Love because it was colored. Then I found out I might be able to, as long as I didn’t put bleach in my hair. As long as the color I used didn’t have bleach in it, I’ll be able to donate it.

I may miss my long hair from time to time (I run my fingers through my hair and the end comes sooner than it should!), but if I can donate it, I’ll be happy to be making a difference. I’m already making a difference in the life of a special needs child that I know, so why not make a difference in the life of someone I don’t know? There’s someone out there that will appreciate that hair. I know there is.

Even if I ever end up regretting this haircut, I know my hair will grow back. And when it does, I never have to get it cut this short again if I don’t want to. But who knows? Maybe I’ll end up liking it and decide to keep it. Everyone has their own personal style, and at age 19, I’m just still trying to find mine.