NaNoWriMo Eve

‘Twas the night before NaNoWriMo, when all through the house,

All the writers were planning, and saying goodbye to their spouse.

The notes were laid out on the desk with care,

Knowing that midnight would soon be there.

Their children were tightly tucked in their beds,

Not knowing of the month that lay ahead.

And the spouse in the bedroom, and the writer in their office,

Had just settled in for a long month’s hiatus.

When arose from my brain there arose such a clatter,

I snapped out of reality to see what was the matter.

Away to the world of fiction I flew in a flash,

To my characters, to be involved in the mash.

The moon up above shown down on all writers below,

As we kept preparing to say, “Ready, Set, Go.”

We writers must get 1600 words a day,

And catch up quickly if we let life get in the way.

Then all of a sudden a person appears so full of life,

I knew in a moment it’s the villain that causes strife.

More tense than cats, the stress of NaNoWriMo came,

And we screamed and cursed, and called them all out by name:

On tension! On friction!

More words and stress!

It comes all at once!

Never becomes less!

Going crazy all the time!

Climbing the wall!

Go away! Go away!

Go away all!

The sun comes up as I look up to the sky,

Swimming for creativity, but coming up dry

So back to the drawing board I went

Hoping all my energy would not be spent.

And then, I heard a noise, a very faint knocking.

It was the spouse, hoping for a time to start talking.

I turn around in my chair, shaking my head,

Not believing the spouse was out of bed.

The spouse was getting ready for work, the children asleep,

I knew I couldn’t get up, and risk giving a peak.

Sighing in despair, wanting a break from the stress,

I stand up, looking at the laptop less.

The children – still sleeping, and the breathing so peaceful!

I smiled, knowing their day would not be stressful.

They awoke, mouths curved up in a smile,

Not knowing I would be hidden away for a while.

I was torn between them, and getting the novel written,

I knew giving up was never an option.

The youngest came up and rubbed his belly,

As I spread on his toast, strawberry jelly.

I went back to the room,

Saying I would be out by noon.

The oldest came in,

Wanting to talk once again.

The children all running around with nobody watching,

I called their grandmother, who came in without knocking.

I sat down and wrote, then put my head down to rest.

Maybe, I would get this written yet.

NaNoWriMo isn’t easy, but it is very much worth it.

To get through it, you don’t always have to throw a big fit.

Writers everywhere will be out of sight,

So I leave you with this as I sign out for the night:

Off you go now,

There’s so much to do.

Good luck to everyone participating this year.

Maybe next year I will, too.

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So I’ve Been Thinking…

Duck and cover, everyone! My brain is on the run again!

Now on to the serious part…

For the past week, I’ve been giving a lot of thought to the future. If you’ve been reading my posts for a long time, you know I am a caregiver to a special needs child.

While I love the job I have, I want to do something more with my life. Something big. Something that can show the world who I am, but also to help improve it.

I had the opportunity to go to San Antonio to meet my editor, mentor, and very dear friend, Lisa James, last Saturday. She mentioned something to me about public speaking, and at first I thought that would never happen, because I would be terrified to speak in front of a big crowd. Then I gave it some more thought… Why shouldn’t I? I can make a difference in the world.

A lot of you may not know this, but Days of the Kill is so much more than just an entertaining murder mystery. It was actually a release for me. I had major anger issues. I was on the verge of actually breaking the law and spending the rest of my life in prison. I was that bad. Then I got the idea for this book… I took the idea and ran with it. I was so much happier after writing it. It’s amazing what writing can do.

Some of you may have seen my post a couple months back about getting out of a toxic relationship. I only wrote about one on here, but in reality, I’ve been in a string of them.

My goal is to be able to make enough royalties off of my book sales to be able to travel and speak out against toxic relationships. I want to be this motivational speaker that helps to make a difference in the world and speaks out against what has been such a taboo subject for far too long. I want to show people that you can bounce back, no matter how difficult it is.

I will always be a work in progress. I understand that. I will never be perfect, and that’s okay. It’s okay that nobody will ever be perfect.

This dream of motivational speaking is why I advertise my book. My experience is why I want to be able to travel and speak out against such a horrible thing.

My goal is to be able to start traveling and speaking in a year or two, and I would love to be able to get there. If you enjoy murder mysteries, and if you think this is something worth supporting, why not buy my book?: https://www.amazon.com/Days-Kill-S-Courtney-Killian/dp/0692673148/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1469434865&sr=8-1&keywords=Days+of+the+Kill

Thank you for listening to me ramble on about my hopes and dreams for the future.

My Positive Transformation

I never thought the day would come when I would write about this. If you had told me even just a week ago that I would be sitting here writing this today, I would have thought you were crazy.

I’ve been in a string of toxic relationships. One when I was 15 that I talk about all the time on my show (which I will talk more about at the end), one when I was 18 and was engaged to, and the one that I’ve been on and off with for the past five years.

The one that just ended permanently on Wednesday.

I met this guy when the youth group at my former church went to Arkansas on a mission trip. There he was. He was tall, handsome, and had those deep blue eyes that you could swear see straight into your soul. Oh, that boy was hard to resist. He was totally open and honest about his past, which I loved. I told him some of my deepest, darkest secrets because I felt like I could trust him. I barely knew this guy, but before I knew it, I was telling him things I had never told anybody else.

He asked me to be his girlfriend the same day we met. I had felt myself falling for him long before he asked, so of course, I said yes. I was over the moon. Here was the guy that everybody wanted, and he had asked me, the girl that nobody paid attention to. The invisible girl. That shot my self-esteem way up.

The week ended way too soon. Every single time I had to part from him, it was depressing. I was addicted to this guy. Every part of my being told me he was the one. You can imagine how hard it was for me when I had to part from him for the last time when the week was over.

We had plans after he finished his first year of school. So many plans… He was going to move to Texas and be with me after the first year.

Well…things didn’t exactly turn out as planned.

About a month into the relationship, I was told that he was cheating on me. By his ex-girlfriend. I didn’t believe her, because he was telling me otherwise. Who did she think I was going to believe? Her or him? Of course I chose my boyfriend. He would never do that to me. Never.

The relationship ended after four and a half months. He was, in fact, cheating me. I was devastated. I was hurt. I was angry. I felt like I would never be okay again.

We stayed friends on Facebook. Why, I don’t know, but we did. There would be times when I couldn’t stand him, and there would be times when he couldn’t stand me. I would have other boyfriends, and he would have other girlfriends.  Even when I couldn’t stand him, there was some part of me that told me I still loved him…and that was the part that made it so hard for me to see pictures with other girls.

This went on for a while. Then he would break up with them and come running to me. “I still love you. I still want to be with you.” There would be times when I was with a guy and told him no, but more often than not, I would be available and easily take him back. Every single time I ended up being burned. I was cheated on once again.

People would ask me, “Why do you still talk to him? Why do you still care? Why don’t you just cut off all contact with him?” It just wasn’t that simple. He was addictive. There was just something about him that I couldn’t get enough of.

Finally, in January of 2014, when we split up once again, I told myself to take a year off of dating. I made sure to stick with that commitment. I needed to focus on myself, because I had just become way too dependent on being in a relationship. He tried to get in contact with me whenever he and another girl split up throughout that year, but I made sure to stay strong. It wasn’t always easy, but I did it.

In July of 2015, we started talking again. I told him that I was tired of the games, and we can talk about dating, but we are not actually getting together until he comes and visits. It wasn’t easy to reject him like that, but I was able to. We lost contact before he came to visit, and I found out why: As it turns out, he had another girlfriend. Yet another crash and burn moment for me.

I thought at that point I was done with him. I thought for sure I would never hear from him again. Nope. Not a chance. In December of 2015, he contacted me again, and all of my feelings came flooding back. I told him the same rules apply. If he really wants to date, he is going to come to Texas and ask me to be his girlfriend, but it wasn’t allowed on the first time. We needed to go on an actual date.

He came…a time or two, but he never did ask. I was on a guest on a show shortly before I started my own, and I talked about him as, “The guy I’m talking to.” He was upset about that. “Why didn’t you say boyfriend? You should have said boyfriend. We’re practically dating.” I told him my reasons and he said he understood…even if he was disappointed. He passed it off as having a crappy week, which I totally believed, because my week hadn’t been the best, either.

We go on talking, and we joke about dating, and I would teasingly tell him that he needs to come and ask me to be his girlfriend. He kept saying he would try.

Suddenly, there would be a week or two that we go without talking. I asked him about that, and he said he was just busy with work. I bought that…for a while. He’s a truck driver. Of course he’s going to be busy.

I have this app called “Who Deleted Me?” Wednesday evening comes, and I get a notification from that app… This guy that I had been talking to again had deleted me off of Facebook.

It seems silly that this would spark something so huge, but really, it did. I looked closer at his Facebook profile picture, and it was him with this girl…and a picture of a sonogram. That’s right, his girlfriend is expecting a baby. Needless to say, I was devastated yet again.

I talked to a friend about this, but then something happened in that short conversation. I felt a surge of motivation to get him out of my life completely. I realized all of the signs that I had just passed by the last five years, and I was more than happy to block him on all social media accounts, something I had never done before.

I thought I would feel awful the next morning, but no, I felt amazing. I felt better than I had in a long time, if ever. If he wants to have a baby with someone else, so be it. He’s out of my life permanently. I tell me reflection, “I love you,” every single time I look in the mirror now, and gosh darn it, I mean it! It’s such an amazing feeling, and I love it. My self-esteem has never been higher! He’s out of my life permanently now, and this time, I know that for sure.

I’ve told a few people about my experience, and a couple of them have thought it was strange that realizing he’s going to have a kid with someone else is what pushed me to get rid of him permanently. The truth is, it wasn’t that. It was realizing all the signs and realizing that I would be so much better without him in it.

I can try to deny it, but my heart has been given to him for five long years, and I finally took it back. This is what freedom feels like, and I absolutely love it.

Am I saying that I’ll never have a bad day again? No, of course not. I’ll have bad days, bad moments, whatever you want to call it. Everybody does, and there’s nothing you can do about it. But what I do know is that I’m prepared to combat those bad moments with a high self-esteem and my head held higher than it’s ever been before.

I’m a work in progress, and I always will be one. This week just happened to shoot me further in my journey than I ever have been before.

Check out the latest episode of my show, Work In Progress with Courtney Killian! I record every Monday at 7:30PM CST. I hope to see you there!

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/positivenetwork/2016/05/24/work-in-progress-with-courtney-killian

AuthorFest 2016

If you’ve talked to me at all in the past few weeks, or if you read an article that I posted a few months ago, you know that I’ve been very busy with book signings. The first one was great. Five books sold! The third one is coming. The second…the second was this weekend, and was an absolutely amazing experience.

I was invited to go to AuthorFest, a multi-author signing in Denison, Texas. I met so many amazing authors.We had to get a picture together, of course…

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As usual, I’m the shortest one! I haven’t stopped laughing about that. Short girl problems, anyone? Also…what the heck is going on with my hand? I’m probably thinking this is way too hysterical.

In this two-day event, I read my work. Out loud. That was such a terrifying experience! I was sick to my stomach the entire time Friday night and just kept telling myself to not nervous puke… That was all I was considering a success at that point. I was a lot more confident on Saturday, and I think it showed. Everyone heard it. Heck, even I heard it. And I saw it…

Maybe it’s just me, but I can see a HUGE  difference in confidence. I’m in love with that difference.

There were also a lot of other amazing experiences. I also had a lot of other pictures of me taken. Probably more of my book… People have told me that it looked like a lot of fun! Which, of course, it was.

I shared a book rack with a couple of other authors. It sure would have looked bare if it had just been my book! That will change eventually… I just need to get all these projects I have waiting for me done, as you know.

As is usual with any place of books I go to, I had to come home with at least one book. How I came home with just one, I will never understand. I’m really looking forward to reading it, and now that I actually know this author, that makes it all the better!

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The author is Jacquline E. Smith, if you like a good ghost story. The only bad part about the picture was not being able to get her name on there.

We also had a mascot. A polythemus moth. His name is Herschel.

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Isn’t he beautiful?

To wrap this up, it was a great weekend. I met so many amazing authors, and because of this, I had another couple of offers to go to other events! If I go, I will definitely be posting about them. I’m sure hoping!

That’s it for this weekend. I’m hoping to get my usual Wednesday post up here in a little bit. Until then…stay tuned!

Exciting Times

Hello, everyone. I apologize for not getting a post up on Wednesday. I had things to do, and it just didn’t get done.

I want to talk about some things that are going to be coming up very quickly in just a few weeks, but I just have to tell you about one exciting thing that happened on Friday. It was my other website’s second birthday! It’s hard to believe I’ve been blogging for two years. It’s very exciting.

Now, on to the more exciting part. I have my first book signing in less than two weeks. On May 1, I will be at the Half Price Books Store in Mansfield, Texas from 1:00-3:00. I’m so excited to be able to do this!

I will also be in Denison, Texas on May 6-7. It’s a two day event, and I could not be more excited to be joining so many amazing authors in this. You know, technically I was invited before I was actually published…which makes it even more exciting. 😉 You can find out more in the flier below. 🙂

AuthorFest 2016

Did you see my book there??? Guys…it’s official. I’m going to be hanging out with these authors instead of just attending their book signings. Eek!

Okay, now that I’ve maybe got it together again…

I will also be at the Half Price Books Store on Cooper in Arlington, Texas (yes, there are several in Arlington so I had to explain) on May 14 from 12:00-3:00 signing books. I’m so excited about that as well!

May is going to be such a busy month, but I am so ready for it. This is a really exciting time for me. If you can make it out, I would love for you to be there. I would love to meet with anyone that has been reading my blog. If you’re in the area at all, come on out and show your support!

That’s about it for today. Until Wednesday…stay tuned!

The Road to Being Published

According to my more recent posts, it’s been at least a month since I’ve done this series…whoops! I know I’ve been slacking lately. Things happen. Oh, well.

Anyway, I’ve gotten quite a bit done since the last time I did this series. I can certainly be glad about that!

The Path to Biological is still going slowly, and I’m  still hand-writing it, but I’m so close to getting it done! I’m on Chapter 61. Can you believe that? So close! And most of the chapters are short (which you would hope with that many chapters!). I also just have to add…it is sad how normal the situation these characters are in seems to me now because I’ve been spending so much time on this.

The Child of Fault is on hold currently, and I’ve said the reason before, but hopefully it won’t be for too much longer. I just have to get to where I can focus on it. Oh, I hope it will be soon… I love that story.

Bethany’s Corpse is on hold as well. I think this is my favorite story, so I hope to get back to it very soon. It may take a few months, but I’ll get back to it. Eventually. We’ll just have to see how that all goes.

Do You Remember Me is also on hold. Surprise, surprise. I was doing sprints with my Writing Accountability Group, but we haven’t done that in a while. I hope we can get back to that soon.

Living Through Abuse has been on hold for the longest, I think. It’s going to be one of those that just hangs over my head until it’s done, but the payoff will be so worth it, I would think. We’ll just have to see what the masses have to say about it when it’s done.

You may noticed that I left off one today. It’s been in the front ever since I started this series. I left off Days of the Kill. Why? Because it’s published! It’s on Amazon, and I’ve gotten amazing reviews from it. Go check it out right now.

Here’s the link: http://www.amazon.com/Days-Kill-S-Courtney-Killian/dp/0692673148/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1459961426&sr=8-1&keywords=days+of+the+kill

You’ll thank me later. 🙂

I think that it’ll do it for this week. Until next week…stay tuned!

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The (Almost) Published Life

Hey all, I’m so sorry I haven’t posted in so long! Life happened, and there was nothing I could do about it. Once I could, I was totally out of the blogging habit. All I could do was to force myself up and back into it. So here we go.

Big news, guys. The last you heard was that Days of the Kill was still with the editor. Well, that is no longer the case! The editor is done with the manuscript, I have read through the final copy, and I loved it. Now the fun part begins.

I have been putting promotion off like no other. I know, that’s a bad thing. But give me a break, I’m new at this and the promotion thing is a little bit daunting. Oh, and I also happen to be going through pretty much the busiest month of my life.

Thank God scheduling posts is a thing.

The bad thing about scheduling posts is, I forget to schedule them. I just have to remind myself to do it. I’m hoping I’ll remember to do it on Friday to schedule for Saturday since that’s when I’ll be out of town all day… Maybe I’ll actually remember this time. Unlike last week. Whoops.

This is a big month for me in the publishing world. Days of the Kill should be available for pre-order very soon! I don’t have the exact date yet, but I will definitely let you know when I know. 🙂

Pre-orders won’t be available for long, mind…but that’s because the book will actually be out in March! Again, I don’t have an exact date, but I will definitely say something about it when it happens. Also expect another tab right by the ‘about me’ once it’s available for pre-order. I’ll have a link to wherever it’s sold. No doubt. 🙂

I do believe that’s all the news I have. It’s a really exciting time for me and I wanted to get back into blogging, but I also had to share. I will start up my Road to Being Published series again on Wednesday. Until then…stay tuned!

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The Road to Being Published

Hello, everyone. I apologize for not posting lately. It’s been crazy around here.

It’s Wednesday, so it’s time to look at where I am in my journey to being published. I love these. 🙂

I haven’t gotten that much done since I’ve been gone… Motivation has been a real struggle. I will say, though, that while it hasn’t really been a lot, it’s been a decent amount.

Days of the Kill is with the editor, and we’ve been sending the file back and forth to each other for the past week or so. The final draft is so close to done I can almost see it! This is a really exciting time for me.

The Path to Biological is with the beta readers — assuming anyone else gets back to me. I’ve had three get back with me, and it looks like it’s going to be a task and a half to improve it. That will not be fun.

The Child of Fault is going well, I suppose. I just recently finished the second draft, so yay. I’m beyond stuck with how to make a scene believable, though. That’s going to be the major struggle, I think.

Bethany’s Corpse is what I’m working on now. I haven’t gotten that far in the editing — just a few pages. I need to work on it more, and I hopefully will today or tomorrow.

I guess I’ve done more than I thought, now that it’s all typed out. I suppose it just didn’t seem like it.

Hopefully I will have even more to report to you next week. Until then…stay tuned!

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The Road to Being Published

Another Wednesday, another time to look at how far I’ve come.

I’m really excited with how well this week has gone. I got Days of the Kill back from the editor (yay!), and I finished looking through what she did with it. I have to say, she’s amazing. She did a great job with it. Now, she just wants me to get one more editor… I think I know just the one, too. I just have to get my bank account prepared…yikes!

The Path to Biological is going slowly. I’m still working on the third draft, though I do plan to be able to work on it for about an hour on Saturday, at the very latest. Maybe today, too! Maybe. I hope. I’ll get to the fourth draft eventually. After draft four comes beta readers. That won’t be for a little while, at least.

I’ve got to say, The Child of Fault has come along really well. I’m getting closer and closer to the end of it! I have almost 35,000 words written on it. I’m so excited! I’m definitely looking forward to getting the first draft done. I can already tell it needs A LOT of work. But, I suppose that’s what first drafts are for, right? 🙂

I’m so excited about how this week has gone. I’m looking forward to what next week brings!

I guess that’s it for this week. Next week is another update. Until then… Stay tuned!

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IndieVengeance Day 2014

What a weekend this was. I had a great 20th birthday on Friday and got to see a friend I haven’t seen in forever. Sunday I heard from a potential podcast co-host (here we go again…). It’s always hopeful when I get in contact with one. I know I left out Saturday. I did that on purpose.

I wanted to talk to you about Saturday the most of all.

On Saturday, I had the opportunity to go to IndieVengeance Day 2014. What is IndieVengeance Day, you may ask? Well, it’s an author signing event where independently published authors get to sign books for everyone that stops by, and you get to talk to them. I have a blast.

There are two conversations that really stick out for me — the conversation with Scott Morgan and the conversation with Amber Jerome~Norrgard.

I talked to Scott Morgan about writing. He said that it’s easy for him to get published now (I know, so encouraging, right? Stay with me), but fifteen years ago, when he was a nobody, it wasn’t easy for him at all. I told him about the book I was writing, and he sounded really interested. Of course, that may have been for my benefit, but hey, if he’s interested, who cares? I even bought a book from him. One that helps with character development. Yay, I need all the help I can get!

The conversation with Amber Jerome~Norrgard was a little more personal than that. She and I have gotten to know each other a little bit through Facebook, and I am so thankful. I asked her about her book that has been mentioned on a podcast she used to host, and she said that it has been put on hold again. Unfortunate, but completely understandable. The name of the book is called Searching for Ellen. I really want that book. It’s about her search for her biological mother.

My friend Matt went with me on Saturday. He got a couple books that he felt he could really connect with. I’m glad he was able to find those.

All in all, I bought five books. I wish I could have bought from every single author… I just didn’t have enough cash!

It was a great day. I won’t deny that for a second. I’m so grateful I was able to go.

BooksJust what I needed… More books!