This isn’t exactly the easiest thing to write. I’ve been through quite a bit the last several years of my life. Actually, I’ve been through a lot for more than just the last several years. I’ve been on a roller coaster ride for pretty much my entire life. But you know what? I’ve learned to be okay with that. I know I can’t go and change the past, and while I do regret the way I’ve handled things growing up, I’ve learned that some things you just can’t change so growing up and being okay with that is the best thing you can do.
The main focus for today, though, is my teenage years. I’ve been through a lot as a teenager. As soon as I hit middle school (7th & 8th grade here), I was made fun of. A lot. I was way overweight, incredibly awkward and shy, and not exactly the most attractive girl around. Yeah, boys definitely made fun of me. Not the one I had a major crush on (thankfully…), but a lot of the jerk boys did. The biggest culprits of being made fun of was the two girls in band that were ahead of me. I remember they would steal the battery in my tuner while I was in a private lesson, and just whisper like I couldn’t hear what they were saying. I totally heard every word, though.
High school hit, and the being made fun of seemed to subside, so I was pretty happy with the way things were going. I started to have crushes on more boys, the occasional relationship, and get my heart broken every time. I couldn’t understand what was wrong with me for a while. Why would a guy not want to be with me forever? For the longest time, every guy I was with I was convinced I would be with forever.
I’ve learned to not think like that.
The truth is, the guys in my past just weren’t meant to be. I’ve even been engaged before, and he wasn’t meant to be. I’m will always be thankful that I found that out before the wedding, and not after. It’s a whole lot easier to break off an engagement than it is to break off a marriage.
It’s true, I do have a guy that I have feelings for now, as I’ve made that no secret on Facebook, and he knows too, but we both know it’s not going to happen for a while. I’ve pretty much sworn off dating for a while, and well, he has his own reasons for not wanting to date yet (if ever…we’ll get to that possibility when we’re ready). I’ve had dreams about this guy — something that has never happened to me before — and it’s terrifying. Two nights in a row I’ve had dreams that this guy has been seeing someone behind my back. Is he committed to me in reality? No. Does the dream still bother me? Heck yes. Why? Because someone being in your heart can sometimes suck.
I’ve always said I can’t wait to not be a teenager.
I’ve realized that turning 20 won’t change everything. I’m currently just short of three months away from being 20, and there’s no end in sight for the confusion. You know what, though? I’m still glad I’ll be turning 20 soon. I’m always thankful to be turning another year older because it means another year of learning from experience. I’m always thankful for that.
Being forced to mature at a young age thanks to certain things has made me realize a lot of different things. Life isn’t fair, and there’s a lot of things in the world that can make you not want to be here. Basically, life can suck sometimes. You just have to learn how to get through it, and make the best of it. Buckle up, everyone. This roller coaster ride we call life is about to get even crazier.